darkest hours
we were in the center of uberlingen. i had just picked up a letter from my doctor’s office and we were on our way to pick up bodensee apples to take to her team of doctors and nurses at a hospital in munich- it’s name will go unmentioned for now. she was released from this so called prominent medical center just thirteen days before- she had a follow up check up there the very next day.
i drove approximately 50 meters away from my doctor’s office when she started shrieking like i’ve never heard her before. i immediately stopped the car and went to her in the back. i cannot talk or write about what happened from that moment until help arrived. she died on the way to a local hospital although they gave up on rescuing her fifteen minutes after she arrived there and was then pronounced dead.
we have learned that she had a violent seizure from which she could not recover. i have been saying until now that she started dying in my arms but the truth is she had been dying for months according to the pathologist.
a supposed internationally renowned german hospital where she spent over four months sent us home with her dying and a slap in the face- slew of manipulated data and altered information on her release forms.
they failed, i believe on purpose to exclude a fatal disease. how can an entire team of medical specialists ignore to diagnose endocarditis after a patient has had a cv line in for over eight weeks???
sophia had full blown endocarditis that ate up her pulmonary valve, spread through her heart forming abscess in the cavity between her heart and lungs, through her lungs and into her bloodstream.
as if overwhelming grief and sadness isn’t enough, we are filled with rage and anger knowing her death could have been prevented. we are devastated and do not know how to overcome our loss- and what a loss. it is all we can do to function for our little boy, to help heal him for he too is damaged from his loss.
my husband told me the other night to please make sure that i let him die at home if ever he is sick. he said he would rather die than have these doctors play and experiment with his life like they did to our sophia. our faith in the german healthcare system is shattered. what happened to her, everything we saw, what was said to us, how she and we were treated we will tell in good time. no amount of money interests us- money will not bring her back and to not tell our story would mean she died in vain. we want every parent that considers to put their child’s life in the hands of these doctors at this hospital to know what happened to our sophia that they can make a better decision than we did- that they avoid making the mistake we made.
it has been difficult to remember our sophia the way she was before we took her to this so called reputable health institution last february. i haven’t slept a full night for over six months and now that she’s gone i stay up all night thinking of everything she said and did when she was in that hospital. i cannot get off my mind her last four months. she cried so much from fear and pain- she was traumatized and with no doubt in my mind, i knew she would never be the same again. we were all so happy and relieved to be home with her- our biggest problem when we got home was how to heal her from everything she had experienced in her last four months- and we were ready to do it.
we are in austria. we have returned to montafon the mountain ranges in the alps that sophia fell in love with last year. all she talked about ever since we left here is how she wanted to go back to den bergen, the mountains. she especially loved the little village of gargellen, snug between a valley at 1423 meters and up on a mountain at 1966 meters. we were astounded at how perfectly she pronounced gargellen. i think she fell in love with it because it looked like the village where heidi lived with her opa.
oh how she fell in love with the mountains. she would run up ahead on a hiking trail, spot a rock, figure out a way to climb it and sit there waiting for us to catch up. then she would call out mach ein foto! take a picture! and instantly flash a beautiful smile. she had always loved wild berries and when she would find some on the side of a mountain, we were immediately ordered to stop and take a break until she picked and ate as many as she wanted. exhausted at the end of each day, she and her brother without conflict or disturbance fell asleep soundly in the same bed in a room attached to ours- we were grateful and amazed- it was the first time they shared a room.
we have been desperate for memories of her. we have come here to remember her- to remember her the way she was before she we took her to that hell of a hospital. when we have been out hiking the last several days, i feel her walking beside us, in front of us, or tagging along behind. every now and then, i look to my side, up ahead, or turn to look behind. i whisper to her softly are you here? are you really here sophia? i get a warm feeling all over and can’t help but smile to myself for i really do feel her. i know she is with us. i know that she is always with us.
a big smile, a huge hug and a thank you to dear amy (check out her